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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

February 8, 2011. Life Liberty and the right to be a Curmudgeon

I don''t know if I've taken advantage of the benefits of having a major Neurological disease. We all have our Pet Peeves, I think, that now, I could get away with complaining about them. I'd imagine that most of you would reast by saying, "Cut him some slack, he's got Parkinson's." Ergo, when I did complain, my words would be considered "sagelike," and not the ramblings of a grump.

So, let me start.

Has anyone actually made "a long story short?" I dread it when I hear those words. I know I might as well get myself a cup of coffee, because I'm in for the long haul.

How about the word "literally?" Is there any need to use the word? If your telling the truth, aren't you by definition saying something literally. If you're exaggerating, subject to hyperbole, (or as they say on Sports talk radio "hyper bowl"), aren't you in fact saying it figuratively. Nobody has done something "literally a million times," except maybe breath.

In Neil Simon's great play The Odd Couple when Oscar tells Felix to leave the house, Felix responds by saying "In other words, you're throwing me out." Oscar's retort is "Not in other words, those are the perfect words!" Why do people think that we need other words for what we say? Whenever, I hear a client say that to me, I know that a not so reasonable facsimile of what I actually said will come back to haunt me.

Working on Long Island, what I like to refer to as a cultural desert within a cultural oasis, I hear a whole new form of language. The word is supposedly not "supposebly." We do not celebrate Valentime's day. We celebrate Valentine's day. The is no such thing as a Liberry. We borrow books at the Library. There is no such word as "irregardless."

I’m convinced that anyone can get a job. After all there are many jobs that need no training whatsoever. What does it take to be an Elvis impersonator? I can grow muttonchop sideburns, wear a jump suit and say with a southern drawl "Thank you very much." Who actually thought that that was a good look? The man is dead people, get a life!

Although it doesn’t happen as often as it did in the seventies (when Reverend Moon’s zombies were asking people to come to the Unification church), I object to being accosted on the street by people trying to convert me. I don’t understand what are "Jews for Jesus." I don’t frankly care. If they want to create their own religion, so be it. Leave me alone. I don’t try to convert them to be a "Jews for Jeter."

Why do people take their cell phones into the bathroom? There is nothing stranger than hearing a one sided conversation coming from a men’s room stall. Nothing is more annoying than hearing a stream of water going in the background when you’re on the phone with someone. I would suggest that anyone who has used their phones in this fashion immediately throw it out. You can’t sanitize it enough. For that matter if you borrow my newspaper and take it into the bathroom, it’s yours. I don’t want it back!

I don’t like cell phones. There was a time that when driving home from work, having a diner out, being at a ball game, etc . . . , you could expect privacy. Now there is no time that you can’t be found. I shouldn’t blame the phones. The device is not at fault.

The good thing about cell phones is that they are non communal. I shared my office with someone who spread more germs than Doc Holiday. This didn’t stop him from using the common phone. With this in mind, I’ll stick to my cell phone.

I hate the "man on the street" interview. Who cares what a bystander who can’t mold a coherent sentence thinks?

"Here we are with Stanley. Stanley what did you think of that explosion?"

"It was loud."

"There you have it, Stanley says it was loud!"

Now, I certainly couldn’t live without that!

How about the person, at the front of the checkout line, who waits until the cashier is done ringing her groceries, to take out her wallet.

"Did you think it was going to be free?"

I think that I'm going to enjoy this new kiberty. Hey, cut me some slack, I;ve got Parkinson's.

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