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Sunday, December 14, 2014

Marky the Parky

Come gather round folks
as our tale does begin
welcome all friends,
 strangers and kin
some 10 years ago
my body more agile
my legs not yet this slow,
my ego not fragile.

Then I was just forty-eight
too blind to foresee
what would be my fate
by age fifty-three.

One day I did realize
my handwriting was small
my assistant said,
“Marc, I can’t read this at all.”

I noticed when driving,
over mountains and rivers
all the time my foot shaking,
I thought I must have quivers.
Driving much faster than I like to go.
Or was the schlamassel in front of me,
just driving too slow.
.
So I found myself thinking
“Have I reached the age,
that time in one’s life
when he must turn the page?”

So I made an appointment
With the good Doctor McNutt
He first stick his long finger
Deep into my butt

“But Dr. my problem,
does not come from that end…..”
He begged to differ,
and told me to bend.

“You have carpal tunnel.
I’m never mistaken.
While I was in there
I found two strips of bacon.

You should be happy,
For there were no problems up your ass
and while I was in there
I also caught this giant sea bass.

Your problems, I fear,
are all in your head.
Go see the head shrinker,
and then off to bed.

I then tried to pay him
with insurance, not dough.
“We don’t accept insurance,
From Larry Curly and Moe.”

So the next day I went
To visit the shrink.
He said, “I can cure you,
But  first fix me a drink.”
So as I fixed the martini,
not stirred ,  but frankly well shaken
he said, “my friend I can tell when you’re fakin.”

“Like all male problems,
this derives from your schmuck.
Tell me, my friend
have you made love to a Duck?”

As I ran out the door, I said
“you are clearly a quack,
before I leave here,
can I have my Sheep back?”

Next was the brain scan.
Or hadn’t you heard?
Not part of my plan
I thought the whole thing absurd.
As I lay on the table,
they played me their tunes.
The feature that day,
was a man playing spoons.

“Your head is just empty.
Is no sign of life.
Just a poor homely man,
An his poor homely wife.”

So next to the doctor,
to check my nerve ending.
This time I’ll be more careful
before starting bending.

But no putting his finger
Where it  didn’t belong,
he said, “I see the problem,
please come along.’

Your arms hang by your side,
like two fish on Canal Street.
And I notice when you walk,
you can’t help but shuffle your feet.’

We are what we refer to
as a ‘classical Parky.’
Don’t look so stunned
I not full of Malarkey.’

Take 10 of these pills,
and you will no longer shake.
Of course you have trouble,
just staying awake.’

Please, be forewarned
if you have an obsession.
Like gambling and sex,
These pills could give you
One  expensive lesson.
Please see this pill,
that I give you today,
can compound those obsessions,
you’ll know who to pay.

At the end of this chapter
I hope you enjoyed reading.
To put me away,

would take a legal proceeding.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Help Me

We all need help once in awhile, even me, so a few weeks ago I decided it's time to look for it. THe first Doctor that I went to see was had a military background CAptain Philip Queeg.

Captain Queeg: "So I can help you find your missing Strawberries."

Me: "Who said anything about missing Strawberries."

Captain Queeg: Don't laugh at me or make jokes because I can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt and with... geometric logic... that a duplicate key to your brain exist, and I can produce that key and find the missing Strawberries."

Mr. "'Doctor who is looking for strawberries, I need dopamine."

I paid the fee and left

The next Doctor was Dr. Vito Corleone. His advertisement was a little "over the top," but then again, so am I. He advertised, "I'll give you a cure that you can't refuse."

Dr Corleone: "So Why didn't you come to see me first? I understand. You found paradise with dopamine. You had a good practice, you made a good living. The police protected you and there were courts of law. So you didn't need a friend like me. Now you come and say "Dr. Corleone, give me justice." But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me "Godfather." You come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married and you ask me to do murder - for money. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you'd come to me in friendship, this scum who ruined your daughter would be suffering this very day. And if by some chance an honest man like yourself made enemies they would become my enemies. And then, they would fear you.

Me: "What are you talking about? I don't have a daughter and I and every reader are the one's suffering.

I now decided that it was time to take extreme measures. I would see Dr. Oz.

In order to get an appointment with Dr. Oz, one must first get past nurse Dorothy. Nurse Dorothy has a very unusual method method for screening patients. It often includes the talent show.

Nurse Dorothy in pigtails and wearing a blue plaid dress and ruby red slippers says, "It says here that you are out of Dopamnie. What would you do with dopamine, if you had some?”

I said "What would I do with dopamine if! had some? Well 1..." (I start singing)

"My legs would be like Towers,
I'd be able to smell the flowers.
I'd have a normal dream
And the baseballs I'd be catchin'
I might even get some action,
If I had some dopamine.
I would try to play the fiddle,
touch my toes, not just my middle
And walk and not have to scream."

(Nurse Dorothy sings)
"With the way, you'd be a lookin’
you would really be a cookin'
If you had your dopamine"

(me)
"Oh I, would close my fly.
I'd remember that it zips.
On the dance floor, I'd remind you of the pips.
In the pool, I would do flips.
instead I stand here shakin',
no longer good at fakin'
I'm not part of the in scene
what happened then? I wonder
someone really stole my thunder
when they took my dopamine.

When suddenly the alarm clock goes off. I never had an appointment with Queeg, Corleone or Dr. Oz. It was all a dream.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Parkinson's Paranoia

The gift that keeps on giving.

In my most lucid moments, which are getting fewer and fewer recently, I realize that this has gotten to me lately. 

My sleep patterns are awful, moments of paranoia and complete fatigue.

These all go along with Parkinson's disease. Now just because I am paranoid, does not preclude the possibility that people are really out to get me. 

I'd see a therapist, but I know that she has it in for me. My doctor is in collusion with the therapist, and of course the little green men that follow me everywhere. They especially enjoy going out for bagels. I on the other hand want to know who put a hole in my bagel?

SO this is an example of a lucid moment. God help us when a non-lucid moment appears.



12/7/2014

Mirapex

In the classic TV show taxi. Bobby Wheeler helps the reverend Jim with his road test.

Bobby: Have you ever experienced loss of consciousness, hallucinations, dizzy spells, convulsive disorders, fainting or period of loss of memory? 

Jim: Hasn't everyone?

What we never knew is that Reverend Jim may have been taking Mirapex.

Allergic reaction: Itching or hives, swelling in your face or hands, swelling or tingling in your mouth or throat, chest tightness, trouble breathing

Change in how much or how often you urinate, or painful urination
J
Changes in vision
Chest pain or trouble breathing
Extreme sleepiness or drowsiness

Lightheadedness, dizziness, or fainting

Muscle pain, stiffness, tenderness, or weakness

Seeing, hearing, or feeling things that are not really there

Twitching or muscle movements you cannot control, tremors, problems with balance or walking

This medicine may cause the following problems:

Low blood pressure
Hallucinations
Urges to gamble, spend money, binge eat, have sex, or engage in other compulsive behaviors
An increased risk for skin cancer

This is one of the three medications that I am presently taking.

I have experienced the chest pains, muscle pains, seeing things not there, low blood pressure, lightheadedness, dizziness and compulsive behavior. Unlike Reverend Jim, I hate it.

The question that I must ask my doctor is "is there a replacement that will keep my leg still?". If not which is worse Godzilla or King Kong?


12/5/2014

Depression

Depression and Parkinson's disease is something that I have successfully fought for most of of the past eight years.

When I felt it coming on I would convince myself that this is a waste of time. I would only come our the other end older and having accomplished nothing. If that didn't work I would write about it, by the end of the blog, I would get so pissed at myself because of the self absorption, that by the end I was cursing and laughing at myself.

I had developed this belief that I had a choice I could wake up tomorrow sad with Parkinson's or happy with Parkinson's. Since the Parkinson's was a constant, why not be happy.

Be it the accumulated affect of eight years of meds, the general progression of the disease, an upcoming birthday (birthdays have always been difficult for me. Any of you want an unused birthday?) the change in the weather or being stuck in a room alone up to ten hours a day, this is a tough one.

I'm going to get a haircut. That should cheer me up.


12/4/2014