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Saturday, December 13, 2014

Help Me

We all need help once in awhile, even me, so a few weeks ago I decided it's time to look for it. THe first Doctor that I went to see was had a military background CAptain Philip Queeg.

Captain Queeg: "So I can help you find your missing Strawberries."

Me: "Who said anything about missing Strawberries."

Captain Queeg: Don't laugh at me or make jokes because I can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt and with... geometric logic... that a duplicate key to your brain exist, and I can produce that key and find the missing Strawberries."

Mr. "'Doctor who is looking for strawberries, I need dopamine."

I paid the fee and left

The next Doctor was Dr. Vito Corleone. His advertisement was a little "over the top," but then again, so am I. He advertised, "I'll give you a cure that you can't refuse."

Dr Corleone: "So Why didn't you come to see me first? I understand. You found paradise with dopamine. You had a good practice, you made a good living. The police protected you and there were courts of law. So you didn't need a friend like me. Now you come and say "Dr. Corleone, give me justice." But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me "Godfather." You come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married and you ask me to do murder - for money. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you'd come to me in friendship, this scum who ruined your daughter would be suffering this very day. And if by some chance an honest man like yourself made enemies they would become my enemies. And then, they would fear you.

Me: "What are you talking about? I don't have a daughter and I and every reader are the one's suffering.

I now decided that it was time to take extreme measures. I would see Dr. Oz.

In order to get an appointment with Dr. Oz, one must first get past nurse Dorothy. Nurse Dorothy has a very unusual method method for screening patients. It often includes the talent show.

Nurse Dorothy in pigtails and wearing a blue plaid dress and ruby red slippers says, "It says here that you are out of Dopamnie. What would you do with dopamine, if you had some?”

I said "What would I do with dopamine if! had some? Well 1..." (I start singing)

"My legs would be like Towers,
I'd be able to smell the flowers.
I'd have a normal dream
And the baseballs I'd be catchin'
I might even get some action,
If I had some dopamine.
I would try to play the fiddle,
touch my toes, not just my middle
And walk and not have to scream."

(Nurse Dorothy sings)
"With the way, you'd be a lookin’
you would really be a cookin'
If you had your dopamine"

"Oh I, would close my fly.
I'd remember that it zips.
On the dance floor, I'd remind you of the pips.
In the pool, I would do flips.
instead I stand here shakin',
no longer good at fakin'
I'm not part of the in scene
what happened then? I wonder
someone really stole my thunder
when they took my dopamine.

When suddenly the alarm clock goes off. I never had an appointment with Queeg, Corleone or Dr. Oz. It was all a dream.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I enjoyed reading your humorous piece. This is my 3 rd attempt to send this to you but I don't think my comments r sending. Thank you for making me laugh when I was feeling esp sad for my mom