October 24, 2011. Look in the Mirror

It's 6:34 in the morning and I am sitting at my desk. I was never a late sleeper, but there is no reason for me to be in the office at this hour, but every morning I am.

The alarm goes off at 5:00 AM. By 5:30, I stop hitting the snooze button. I'm at my desk by 6:20. I'm not working, but I'm here. I go for the same walk every day, have my coffee at the same bakery, play the same games on line when I want to take a break. I have become a creature of habit.

I rarely drive anymore. My business, like many others, is slow. Can I blame Parkinson's? Parkinson's may have pulled the trigger, but I loaded the gun. When first diagnosed, nearly six years ago, I didn't take matters in hand, I moped. One day about two years later, I realized that I was wasting my time.

My business was collapsing. But this I foresaw. I'm a Real Estate Attorney. Any Real Estate Attorney who didn't know that sub-prime lending was going to destroy this economy, is either stupid or lying.

I sat at closings. knowing that when the mortgage adjusted, these poor people were going to be foreclosed upon. One person, I helped convince to walk away from the table. He had a good job. When we saw the mortgage, it had a "teaser" adjustable rate and negative amortization. The mortgage broker refused to negotiate. The Seller was nice and willing to wait for my client to get a better mortgage.

This happened on a Friday. By Monday, the mortgage broker called me, "What can we do to save this man's deposit?" I responded in my normal calm, classy matter, "Where were you on Friday. You asked this man to pay for everything but the Vaseline." We closed exactly one month later.

SO the crash was inevitable. Yet I did little to move my business in another direction. This wasn't PD's fault. Nor was it PD's fault that I didn't save for a rainy day.

I'll make it. I got a great support system. But without lecturing, You never know what will hit you. Many of my friends have it far worse than I do. I refuse to feel sorry for myself, because I, like most other people, got a disease. I will feel angry at myself, for stupidly thinking that I was immortal, and not fully preparing for this day.

October 5, 2011. Stream of Consciousness

Who is that guy in the mirror? He looks just like my Dad, but about 4 inches taller.

I used to joke that I had "my Dad's hair. If he ever found out where it was, I'm in trouble." Now I know where it is, behind the bed, on my bathroom floor, growing from my knuckles, nose and ears.

I'm glad that the hot weather appears to be over. Parkinson's destroys your inner thermometer. Some people get extremely cold, I an always warm. The combination of that with a New York Summer, brings to mind the effect that Asparagus has on Number 1.

My wife is cold today, therefore I should wear a sweater. I don't get cold, until the temperature dips into the thirties.

Walking is difficult in the summer. If this weather pattern continues, I may try to take a walk in Central Park over the weekend. It's one of my favorite activities. I like to enter the park by the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I look for the Egyptian Obelisk behind the Museum, and marvel about how in the 1880's, this, multi-ton structure, was rolled from Battery Park to its permanent resting place behind the Museum.

I bring my Camera with me. a couple of years ago, I was taking a picture of an Orange crested bird. A couple asked me what kind of bird it was. I said that, "I think it's an Oriole, but they're not in town this weekend." No laugh. Must have been Met fans.

I try to walk over to Strawberry Fields, but if you've ever walked in that park, it's difficult to know exactly where you are going. I exit wherever I find myself.

Ideally, I'd like to exit in the West seventies. I then take a leisurely stroll down Columbus or Broadway. I used to relax at the Barnes and Noble opposite Lincoln Center, but like many other bookstores, that is gone now.

I also loved to do this alone. There is something wonderful about solitude among the masses.

Of course all of this is dependent upon my having a good day. I loved to walk. Now more often than not, it is a struggle. These are the less than obvious things that are stolen by Parkinson's disease.


The disease and the advent of cell phones, have taken away solitude. I hate cell phones. People in what otherwise would be peaceful places discussing their hangnails to their friends. Clients who feel that it's not improper to call at any hour or day. If I go to the park, I may toss my phone in the reservoir.

Of course the disease makes the cell phone a necessity. I must always be able to make contact.

I would love a reprieve, even for a weekend. Columbus Day in New York can be wonderful. I remember in 1972 taking a date to the Guggenheim, walking Fifth Avenue to the bookstores, getting her a McGovern button, being a accosted by members of The Unification Church. New York memories.

Well the young lady is long married. The Bookstores are all close. McGovern got walloped. Thankfully Reverend Moon and The Unification Church have moved on. And that walk is difficult for an overweight 54 year old with a major neurological disease. But, I may try it.

September 27, 2011. Even a Tortoise slows down

I've been very busy with work the last few weeks. Except for the weekends, I haven't spent a day in the home office for two weeks. Like all things, this is good and bad.

On the positive side, 1) I'm earning money, 2) I feel vital, 3) I'm seeing people.

On the negative side, 1) I'm exhausted, 2) I realize how far I have slipped in a short time.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is to feel vital and to see people. I can do so much more as long as feel useful.

Today, I started off in Queens Supreme Court. Possibly one of the most miserable places in the City of NY. after having an order signed I walked 4 blocks to the Long Island Railroad. Took the train to Long Island, where I had 2 appointments. Tomorrow and Wednesday, I'm pinch hitting for a friend in my old office.

I spent between 10 and 25 years with these people. Mostly pleasant, sometimes hostile. But I was alive. I'm looking forward to it.

The downside to all of this is that I am physically exhausted. I push myself to walk and not take the train. I've increased the dosage of the Cynamed. That helps, for a few hours. I can't help but realize what the future will bring.

But, with that in mind, I also can't accept it, and must keep on fighting it. Every time I lose an activity, ie Driving, ballgames, I cling to the others that much tighter.

September 15, 2011. The Day from Hell

Today was a day from hell. Clients were crazed, Attorneys were crazed, computers were crazed, but strangly enough, I liked it. This was my life prior to PD. The telephones would ring nonstop. I'd always be late getting somewhere. And I hated it.


Damn, I hated this, the hours are ridiculous, the work is monotonous. If I had my diploma translated, it would probably say, "All that thou learneth here, will be of no value to thee in the outside world. Na, Na, Na, Na, Na." So why did I enjoy today?

Someone took it away from me. That is unacceptable. Today, I learned that I can still do it, and because I was busy I was more efficient.

I'm a 54 year old man, with a man's ego. Sitting around the house is painful to me. I loved being active. something that I said years ago is much truer today. "There's no orse feeling than being caught up." If your'e caught up, you're wondering where the next dollar is coming from.

September 2, 2011. Markie the Parkie

On the Urban County
Of Queens
Markie the Parkie
Was living his dreams

A nice little county
Where he got all his treats
Commuting was easy
His Car had warm seats
Markie had everything he
ever would need
Only he didn’t know it
He now will concede.

He had, our friend Markie,
The best of it all
But he lacked a vision, you see
Of the long haul
He grumbled did Markie
Or kvetched, was more like it
He’d tell all by phone, e-mails
And all methods of transmit.

He’d moan from his home
And was blind to his bounty
For he never knew
He was the richest in the county
For the home that he lived in
Was clean, safe and secure
But in his late forties,
He was still immature

So Markie’s a Lawyer
With the world by his hand
And Markie, the Lawyer
Didn’t know where he stands.
His health and well being
Were better than most
But in his self pity
He was deeply engrossed.

One day he noticed,
His hands were unsteady
Getting up from a chair
Was difficult, til he was ready
His legs they would shake
And rattle and roll
Of life’s simple chores
He was out of control

“What is it?” Asked Markie.
“Do I have a disease?
Could it be lack of flossing? Or maybe, it’s fleas.
I’m walking much slower, and my writing, it stinks!
My driving is suspect! And, besides all of that,
My face is now frozen, in a stare that is flat.
My body betrays me, what have I got left?
Of hope, you see, I’m clearly bereft!”

He went to the Doctor,
And arrived just on time
But waited and waited,
For the doc to finish his wine
Then long about eight
When the doc cleaned his plate
He asked with a smile
“walk down that aisle.”
While the doc was there sitting
Completing his knitting.

He said, “My dear, Markie,
I’m afraid You’re a Parkie.”
Then Markie the Parkie, said to the doc,
“You know that this comes as quite a shock.”
So Markie the Parkie
Was sad and depressed.
And Markie the Parkie
Would give it no rest.

“Why me?” said he. “I’ve committed no crime.”
When he suddenly realized that he’s just wasting his time.
He’s got no complaints, life is better than most,
So he laughed for the first time, and started a toast.

“I’m Markie the Parkie, and life is just grand.
I’m Markie the Parkie, let me expand.
I’ve had everything, that one could ask for.
Marbles and YoYos, a ride to the candy store.
Life is too short, to be sad and depressed.
Life is too short to feel all distressed.
I’m Markie the Parkie, it’s time for a rest.”