Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
James Thurber
So while trying to escape from my own Twilight Zone. I discovered writing. Writing, like anything else, improves with time. as I look back on my earlies pieces they are drab. Then I discovered my inner curmudgeon. When you thing about it, the curmudgeon is a uniquely American character. Where else do you find the lovable grouch. From Groucho to Archie Bunker.
This keeps me communicating with people. This got me out of the Twilight Zone.
I have this "pipedream" that some editor will stumble upon "Memoirs of a Disgruntled Attorney," maybe find the story of Flicker the Flea," or "Canad's New Immigration Problem," and say, "that's what we need a new uniquely American Humorist."
Until that time, I'll just keep myself laughing, it's the one medicine that I take that has no side effects.
For now here is Flicker the Flea
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Fate of a Flicker the Flea
Freddie was despondent. His lead act in his Flea Circus, Flicker had flown off. He was also fearful that the infamous flea who had been all over the News, was his Flea Flicker.
He had trouble fathoming why flicker had flown. He turned on CNN. "This is Soladad O'Brien in New York, with the latest facts regarding the fearless flea that bit the President's Dog. The flea is feared to be the famous Flicker from the Freddie Fitzpatrick Flying Flea Circus. We now join Anderson Cooper with Federal Bureau of Investigation spokesperson, Felicia Fender with further details.
"Agent Fender, forgive my forgetfulness, but I was under the impression that the FBI had jurisdiction of Flea felonies in the Federal District since the misfortune of FDR's feline Felicity and his dog Fala were ferociously fed to the Fleas back in 44."
A fumbling Federal Agent Fender replied, "The Feds are still finding facts. We fanned a far-flung facsimile of the Flea to all Federal Facilities. This is just a formality, for we expect to find the fallen Flea in the forenoon.
Fitzpatrick was fearful about the fate of his fearless Flea. He switched his Television to Fox.
"This is Sean Hannity with a follow up about the Flea that the FBI is now following who allegedly made Flea food of Fido. We're here with Ann Coulter, who would like to affirm her feelings on the fate of Fido."
"Sean, this emphatically a foreign Flea from the Federation, formerly known as Formosa. The fate of Fido came forth because we don't forbid Fairs that fund Flea Circuses from farming out their jobs to felonious foreign Fleas flying from the former Formosa. New Flea Circuses should be formed featuring flag waving Fleas from the Flea Partiers."
Freddie fretted and then flung his female feline, Felicia at the foul mouthed figure featured on Fox Channel 44.
He found the Television Flicker and turned on his favorite female reporter Rachel Maddow.
"Fox is reporting that this is a Felonious Foreign Flea from the Federation formerly known as Formosa. I have found out that this is a folly formulated by Famous Fleabagger, Frank Funt. This Flea was found to be a front for Fox and friends." Film of Frank Funt feeding his fat face with a Frankfutter was then featured.
Freddie, couldn't follow this farce any further so he found his forty-four, and with one ferocious fit, fired it at the farce., while yelling the word his father, Freddie the first had forbidden him to say.
Showing posts with label Memoirs of a Disgruntled Attorney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Memoirs of a Disgruntled Attorney. Show all posts
Friday, December 24, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
December 6, 2010. I fought the Law and the Law Won
I was meant to study Law. I wasn't meant to practice Law! There's a large distinction there.
Studying the Constitution is great. It's a marvelous document. My Diploma from St. John's is written in Latin. I had it translated. The diploma says, "1) Everything that you learn here will be useless in the real world. 2) You're excused from Gym class- signed Epstein's Mother."
I went to Law School at night. Worked full time during the day. After 4 years of this, I had no job and no money. You see, they didn't tell us, that in 1982 in order to get a good job as a Lawyer you had to have graduated from an Ivy League caliber school or be in the top third of your class.
I was in the top third, for one semester. Then the bottom third dropped out. Algebraically, the top third becomes the top half.
But, in 1982 I graduated, passed the bar and ever since have been called Lawyer.
I never intended to practice Real Estate Law, and to be frank, it's kind of boring and redundant. (To paraphrase Robin Williams, "The dictionary, under redundant days 'see redundant.'")
In May of 2006, my Dad had open heart surgery, which forced him at 80 to retire. I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, and the recession was beginning, and I was a Real Estate Attorney. Business fell faster than a Koufax curve. Depression set in. And the warm weather had started, so Nabisco took Malomars off of the shelves.
With too much time on my hands, I started writing. It was a blog called "Memoirs of a Disgruntled Attorney," by JelloMarx. Jello, being the lost Marx Brother could write things that Marc could not. For instance, Jello rewrote the entire score to West Side Story. It became West Wing Story, starring Sarah Palin. It was "The Dems" vs. "The Reps." Perhaps you've heard it's biggest hit, I See Russia
(Sung to the tune of “I feel pretty”)
I see Russia,
Big, Bad Russia,
I see Russia and Russia sees me!
And I will crush her
If you elect me to be VP.
I’m for drilling,
Lots of drilling
It's so thrilling how drilling can be!
So the drilling
Will escalate if you elect me.
I’m the beauty Queen from the Bering Strait:
I got my make up and clothing for free.
Free for a pretty face,
Free for a pretty dress,
Free for a pretty smile,
Free for a pretty me!
I am running
And campaigning,
I’m debating and relating with joy,
While I slander
The Ex-Senator from Illinois!
(The Palin Children sing)
This is my Mother the Former Running Mate,
The most powerful Mom on the ice
She approves of her children who procreate,
As long as we don’t use a Birth Control Device.
She should be VP.
She’d be one heartbeat away.
If she is the VP,
No one would disobey.
Where we live you need heat
Cause it’s zero degrees,
We get Polar Bear meat,
From our local Hardees.
In school we should read the Bible now
Send for Hannity!
Here are the books that she’ll disavow They violate Christianity!
She once was obscure,
But now she’s maligned,
She’s going on tour
Leaving Dad in a bind!
Sarah
I see Russia,
Big, bad Russia
They despise us because we are free.
Salt Lake City
Is full of real Americans, like me.
Children
Ma ma ma ma . . .
Sarah
It stopped snowing,
It is sunny,
It’s so sunny and it’s only July,
It’s so sunny,
That my parka is nearly dry!
Children
Ma ma ma ma . . .
Sarah
I can see the KGB from the Bering Strait:
Children
What KGB where?
Sarah
You know that he’d rather be free.
Children
Which? What? Where? Whom?
Sarah
Free for a pretty face,
Free for a pretty dress,
Free for a pretty smile,
Free for a pretty me!
Children
Free for a pretty me!
ALL
I am running
To be the first female Pres, you see
It’ll be stunning when I get to see,
the expression
On the face of Hillary C!
"Memoirs" helped to pull me from the funk. It made others laugh and more importantly, it made me laugh. That is better than any prescription.
Studying the Constitution is great. It's a marvelous document. My Diploma from St. John's is written in Latin. I had it translated. The diploma says, "1) Everything that you learn here will be useless in the real world. 2) You're excused from Gym class- signed Epstein's Mother."
I went to Law School at night. Worked full time during the day. After 4 years of this, I had no job and no money. You see, they didn't tell us, that in 1982 in order to get a good job as a Lawyer you had to have graduated from an Ivy League caliber school or be in the top third of your class.
I was in the top third, for one semester. Then the bottom third dropped out. Algebraically, the top third becomes the top half.
But, in 1982 I graduated, passed the bar and ever since have been called Lawyer.
I never intended to practice Real Estate Law, and to be frank, it's kind of boring and redundant. (To paraphrase Robin Williams, "The dictionary, under redundant days 'see redundant.'")
In May of 2006, my Dad had open heart surgery, which forced him at 80 to retire. I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, and the recession was beginning, and I was a Real Estate Attorney. Business fell faster than a Koufax curve. Depression set in. And the warm weather had started, so Nabisco took Malomars off of the shelves.
With too much time on my hands, I started writing. It was a blog called "Memoirs of a Disgruntled Attorney," by JelloMarx. Jello, being the lost Marx Brother could write things that Marc could not. For instance, Jello rewrote the entire score to West Side Story. It became West Wing Story, starring Sarah Palin. It was "The Dems" vs. "The Reps." Perhaps you've heard it's biggest hit, I See Russia
(Sung to the tune of “I feel pretty”)
I see Russia,
Big, Bad Russia,
I see Russia and Russia sees me!
And I will crush her
If you elect me to be VP.
I’m for drilling,
Lots of drilling
It's so thrilling how drilling can be!
So the drilling
Will escalate if you elect me.
I’m the beauty Queen from the Bering Strait:
I got my make up and clothing for free.
Free for a pretty face,
Free for a pretty dress,
Free for a pretty smile,
Free for a pretty me!
I am running
And campaigning,
I’m debating and relating with joy,
While I slander
The Ex-Senator from Illinois!
(The Palin Children sing)
This is my Mother the Former Running Mate,
The most powerful Mom on the ice
She approves of her children who procreate,
As long as we don’t use a Birth Control Device.
She should be VP.
She’d be one heartbeat away.
If she is the VP,
No one would disobey.
Where we live you need heat
Cause it’s zero degrees,
We get Polar Bear meat,
From our local Hardees.
In school we should read the Bible now
Send for Hannity!
Here are the books that she’ll disavow They violate Christianity!
She once was obscure,
But now she’s maligned,
She’s going on tour
Leaving Dad in a bind!
Sarah
I see Russia,
Big, bad Russia
They despise us because we are free.
Salt Lake City
Is full of real Americans, like me.
Children
Ma ma ma ma . . .
Sarah
It stopped snowing,
It is sunny,
It’s so sunny and it’s only July,
It’s so sunny,
That my parka is nearly dry!
Children
Ma ma ma ma . . .
Sarah
I can see the KGB from the Bering Strait:
Children
What KGB where?
Sarah
You know that he’d rather be free.
Children
Which? What? Where? Whom?
Sarah
Free for a pretty face,
Free for a pretty dress,
Free for a pretty smile,
Free for a pretty me!
Children
Free for a pretty me!
ALL
I am running
To be the first female Pres, you see
It’ll be stunning when I get to see,
the expression
On the face of Hillary C!
"Memoirs" helped to pull me from the funk. It made others laugh and more importantly, it made me laugh. That is better than any prescription.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
December 5, 2010. Paperback Writer
We all live many lives.
As a child, I like many other boys of my generation, wanted to play baseball. I was slow and couldn't hit a curveball.
As a teenager I wanted to be a Rock and Roll Singer. I can't hear a beat, and am completely and utterly tone deaf.
In College, I wanted Girls. That's for another story.
In Law School I wanted to argue before the Supreme Court. That actually has happened. On my last trip to Washington, I got into a heated argument with a Tea Partier protesting in front of the Court. I remember asking him, "Justice Thomas, don't you think that this is inappropriate?"
Around the time that I was diagnosed, I discovered the greatest outlet for my frustration and anger. I would write.
I started by recanting tales on a blog called "Memoirs of a Disgruntled Attorney." I went by the name of JelloMarx. These tales even bored me. I started writing parodies of songs, movies and my favorites, Dr. Seuss. I was elated the day that I learned that something that I wrote called "Eggs but no Ham," about a man named "Schwartz-I-Am." was posted in the New Orleans YMHA. Some of them were good, some not so good. But I found an outlet.
Friends and family wondered if I could be serious. I wrote on some Political sites, but found that most of the people there, both liberal and conservative are crazy.
One day, I decided to write about PD. The response has been great and it has kept me out of a funk.
I'd like to publish this, but it's not why I write it. I write because it helps me to remember how truly good my life has been and will continue to be.
As a child, I like many other boys of my generation, wanted to play baseball. I was slow and couldn't hit a curveball.
As a teenager I wanted to be a Rock and Roll Singer. I can't hear a beat, and am completely and utterly tone deaf.
In College, I wanted Girls. That's for another story.
In Law School I wanted to argue before the Supreme Court. That actually has happened. On my last trip to Washington, I got into a heated argument with a Tea Partier protesting in front of the Court. I remember asking him, "Justice Thomas, don't you think that this is inappropriate?"
Around the time that I was diagnosed, I discovered the greatest outlet for my frustration and anger. I would write.
I started by recanting tales on a blog called "Memoirs of a Disgruntled Attorney." I went by the name of JelloMarx. These tales even bored me. I started writing parodies of songs, movies and my favorites, Dr. Seuss. I was elated the day that I learned that something that I wrote called "Eggs but no Ham," about a man named "Schwartz-I-Am." was posted in the New Orleans YMHA. Some of them were good, some not so good. But I found an outlet.
Friends and family wondered if I could be serious. I wrote on some Political sites, but found that most of the people there, both liberal and conservative are crazy.
One day, I decided to write about PD. The response has been great and it has kept me out of a funk.
I'd like to publish this, but it's not why I write it. I write because it helps me to remember how truly good my life has been and will continue to be.
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